The Crime Quandary: Criminal v Victim

People are torn when it comes to criminals. On the one hand, many of us feel an innate sympathy for those who've been punished and suffered a loss of freedom. We know that felons suffer as a result of their actions and feel sorry for that suffering. Throw an unfair system, racial profiling and the lifelong effects of a felony conviction into the mix, and you end up with some truly tragic stories. On the other hand, our sympathy for criminals is tempered because we know that they did something bad, something deserving of punishment. They had it coming, in other words. Every crime has a victim, after all, someone who has suffered as a result of a felon's actions. Do not victims, our thinking goes, when all is said and done, deserve precedence over criminals when it comes to our sympathy and support? 

Crime, by its very nature, presents us with a dichotomy between sympathy and retribution, between harm and punishment, between criminal and victim. This dichotomy leads to moral and ethical quandaries. When thinking about crime and criminals on one side, and victims on the other, we feel forced to take sides. If I support the criminal does that mean I'm somehow condoning the crime or betraying the victim? If forced to choose, should I not side with the victim? With lawfulness? It's this very quandary that makes being a criminal and writing in support of other criminals so difficult. I now find myself to be a "bad guy" writing in support of other bad guys.

I would argue, however, that this dichotomy between the victim and the criminal, this quandary we face in our support, is a false one or, at the least, bridgeable. We should not have to choose. Just because a person supports prisoners, rehabilitation, prison reform and the like does not mean that that person has turned her back on the victims of the prisoner's actions. It doesn't mean she's soft on crime. Conversely, the 'get tough on crime' crowd, with its myopic focus on law and order, may in fact be doing the very victims of crime a disservice by focusing on prison as a place of punishment. Retribution is only side of a many-faceted coin. Without rehabilitation, without support, criminals tend to repeat their crimes. The result? More victims. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing victims a disservice, somehow discounting their suffering, as a result of my own personal experience. One goal of my writings about crime and criminals, after all, is to humanize those we tend to demonize. My crime was nonviolent and the victim, as I've written before, was not sympathetic in the traditional sense. I have never been the victim of a serious crime and could not imagine committing a crime that actually hurt someone; violence is not in my nature. As a result, I occasionally catch myself justifying my actions, while at the same time condemning those who commit violent, dangerous or particularly terrible crimes.

But then I start to wonder if I'm being hypocritical, if that big bright line I like to draw in the sand is a fair one. After all, who am I to judge? While certain people may have a predilection for crime or violence as a result of upbringing, disadvantage, genetic makeup, gender, or whatever it is that influences wrongdoing, aren't we all just a step away from falling afoul of the law? I never thought of myself as a felon. In fact, I went through most of life as a productive, law-abiding citizen. But presented with that irresistible mix of opportunity, rationalization and addiction, I did the very thing I never thought I'd do. I found myself to be weaker, more susceptible to temptation than I expected. But weakness in and of itself is not a crime. While I like to think I'd never commit a violent crime, who knows? Many normally non-violent individuals have proven weak at a critical moment, have snapped under pressure and committed crimes which they thought themselves incapable. With honest reflection, I truly believe that we all have the a buried inner weakness - some maybe more than others - that could lead us to commit a crime. Thankfully, for most of us for most of the time, the yin beats out the yang.

The other side of the spectrum requires less introspection. We all have the potential, through no fault of our own, to become victims to a crime. The evening news brings home the fear that crime occurs randomly and could hit any one of us. The involuntary nature of victimhood makes it scary.  One thing I have discovered through my own experience is that the category of 'victim' encompasses a much broader group than is commonly recognized. We tend to think of only the direct victim of a crime: the victim of a scam, the victim of a robbery. But what about all the others who indirectly suffer, the family members, friends, passers-by? Society as a whole can suffer, through fear and a loss of trust. In my case, my children suffered the most as a result of my actions; they were the true innocent victims of my crime. 

What I would propose, what I try to do in my thinking and in my life, is to offer sympathy and support to anyone, victim or criminal or innocent family member, who becomes somehow entangled in our criminal justice system. It is a terrible, painful process for all concerned. Innocent victims are truly deserving of our support; that goes without saying. But felons who recognize their crime and do their time are too. It's in all of our interests to support them in their effort to once again become contributing members of society. The criminal justice system requires the attention and scrutiny of ordinary citizens. It is a reflection of our society, after all and it's failings are our own. In a perfect world, criminals should engender feelings of "there but for the grace of God go I", not suffer from society's demonization of them as some sort of "other".

That's not to say that, in support of criminals, you won't have to draw a line in the sand, as I do, between what you consider redeemable and unforgivable, acceptable and horrific. Every person has her own limits when it comes to forgiveness. Come to think of it, maybe I've hit upon my real line in the sand: a line between those who, whatever their crime, admit to it, atone for it, accept their punishment and try to make good and those who deny, rationalize and deflect. Felons, more than anyone, need to remember the victims of their actions. In any event, once that line is drawn and you consider the human dimensions of crime, the dichotomy - the divide - between support for criminals and support for victims is most definitely bridgeable. 

Top Ten List: Why I was a Bad Criminal

The truth is, I was a bad criminal: sloppy, careless, greedy, sorely lacking in all the skills that make for a successful life of crime. I wasn't devious enough.  Nor was I cautious. I was also overcome by remorse and guilt soon after stealing the cash.  A good criminal must be hardhearted and welcome wrongdoing with open arms. He must think clearly and always stay one step ahead. I did what I did as if in a dream, stumbling and bumbling and making mistakes. While I can remember everything, when I look back it seems as if I'm watching another person. A stupid person.

The fact is, I have no one to blame buy myself for getting caught.  I would give credit where credit is due, but I was not caught through good police work or the oligarch's vigilance. I was caught because I screwed up, got greedy and tried to take more, even though more was the last thing I wanted or needed.

These thoughts nagged at me at first after my wrongdoing came to light.  I blamed myself for my stupidity, considered all the what if's.  Not any more.  Although I would gladly take back what I did, I'm actually glad, now that all is said and done, that I got caught. Getting caught helped me to turn my life around and live honestly once again. Getting caught helped me get sober. Getting caught made me realize how deluded I was. Getting caught helped me recognize my weaknesses and failings. Getting caught helped me realize what is important to me in life.

I did wrong and I have been more than ready for a long time to pay the consequences.  What I most regret is the pain I caused to people close to me.

So now, as these top ten lists have proved popular, I decided to come clean with my stupidities in this wholly factual but partially tongue-in-cheek list: 

Top Ten Reasons Why I Was a Bad Criminal

1. Incriminating evidence: I left piles of incriminating evidence in my office and at home under the bed, modern-day treasure maps, that led investigators straight to the buried treasure.  A good criminal destroys the evidence.

2. Sloppy Work: I did not compare forged signatures to the originals or try to make them look the same. I was lazy and sloppy and my forgeries look like shit.  The fact that I was high on pills at the time didn't exactly help. A good criminal is careful, sneaky, risk averse and sober - and takes the time to get the wrong things right.

3. Blabber mouth: I told people what I had done. A good criminal keeps his mouths shut.

4. Greed:  Not satisfied with my first theft, I went back to the very same place for more. Every good criminal knows you should never hit the same place twice.

5. Foggy Brain: My crime was fueled by my addiction and, though at the time I thought I was thinking clearly, looking back is like watching a bad scene from Cheech & Chong.  A good criminal thinks clearly and soberly in order to stay one step ahead. 

6. Transfers to the U.S.: my crime was committed entirely abroad.  The U.S. would not have had jurisdiction if I had not transferred a bunch of the money for no good reason through a bank in San Francisco. A good criminal knows the law and uses it to his advantage.

7. Lies upon lies: I continued to tell lies even after my scheme was discovered.  I should have come clean sooner and tried to lessen the harm.  The fact is, I wanted to - I felt tremendous guilt and remorse - but I was scared.  I was caught in April 2011 but only came clean after a suicide attempt and a resultant change of heart. A good criminal keeps his mouth shut - he doesn't lie or tell the truth.

8. Spending the loot: the cash burned a hole in my pocket and I spent it on stupid, frivolous things, like someone who had just won the lottery.  I should have saved it untouched and continued to live my regular life or, at the least, tried to assuage my guilt by doing some good with it.  A good criminal hides his new-found wealth.

9. Hubris: I convinced myself that the victim, the oligarch, if he ever found out, would shrug it off and leave me alone. That was not the case. A good criminal doesn't underestimate his adversary.

10. Delusion: Because I hated the oligarch, I convinced myself while committing the crime that I deserved what I took, that I was some sort of modern-day Robin Hood, that I was doing it all for my family. How wrong I was. A good criminal doesn't delude himself about the 'higher motives' of his crimes.

Go Directly to Jail

Well, I have news.  And, unfortunately, it's not good.  

How I wish I was telling the world, as I have at various times in the past, that I'm the proud father of a new baby, or that I married my sweetheart or that I published a novel.  But no.  Not today.  Today, my news is bad.  Thankfully, I don't have cancer, nor is a close family-member sick.  News related to death, dying and sickness is always the worst.  But among the various sorts of non-medical bad news, this is about the worst that I can think of.  Worse than getting fired, worse than divorce.  Worse - dare I say it? - than having your dog die.  In fact, my news ranks right down there with a burning house or a broken leg.  Come to think of it, I'd actually rather break my leg. On a good news scale of one-to-ten, my news is about a zero.  One if I'm generous.

Sorry, I didn't mean to drag this out, especially since I already more-or-less gave the news away in the title. But now that it's time to announce my news to the world, or, in any event, to my own limited readership, it's surprisingly hard to say.  It's bad, it's embarrassing, it's pathetic.  If I had a rock to crawl under, I'd be doing it right about now.  But here in sub-zero Wisconsin, all I've got are snow drifts.

So here goes....Scrunch up my face, open my mouth, force the words from my throat:  

I'm going to jail.

There.  Putting it in tiny type helped a bit.  As did the fact that, for me anyway, writing is easier than talking. But it was still hard.  The truth is, I can hardly believe it.  I know it's true but it seems like a bad dream, like I'll wake up and it will all be gone.  I'm not saying I'm exceptional, or that I don't deserve punishment.  But as bad as it sounds to say, I always thought of jail as a place for someone else. Which, come to think of it, is probably what most convicted felons say.  Or wish.

The announcement is not exactly cathartic.  I didn't really expect it to be. But I decided to put it up here for all to see as a way to, at the least, come out from the cave I've been hiding myself in.  My friends and family all know already anyway and telling them was much harder than writing the news in my blog.  I sprung it on them as a wonderful Christmas/New Year's present. Now they are diligently drafting me letters of support, telling the judge that, despite my misdeeds, I am still a good person.

In this post I am not going to discuss my crime or my punishment.  That's all for later. But I do want to emphasize that my crime was a nonviolent one, committed while I was a lawyer in the Wild East (Russia) for a notoriously corrupt oligarch.  That said, it was still a crime, a federal felony no less.  And I in no way intend to try to justify myself or blame others.  To paraphrase Popeye: "I yam what I yam and I done what I done."

Going public is actually not for me, although to keep myself honest I pretend that I'm writing a personal journal. I've been hiding away from the world in shame for far too long. By pretending all is well I realized I was doing a disservice. My true and abiding hope is that through honestly sharing my experiences, I may be able to prevent someone, sometime from actually committing a crime. I don't overestimate the influence I will have, but even if just one person questioned their actions as a result of my mistakes I would have brought some meaning to my senseless crime.

I don't intend to leave you hanging.  Or not for long anyway.  In coming posts, I will chronicle my experiences as I wend my way through the criminal justice system and face my punishment.  Let me take you along with me on a vicarious trip I hope you will never have to take and have not taken before. In fact, by writing I hope that I can prevent at least one person from taking this very trip.  All you criminals out there: please read my blog!!!

There are several moving, heartfelt blogs out there written by ex-cons (several of which are listed in the favorite sites link on my homepage), but, maybe unsurprisingly, the thoughts and experiences of this population are underrepresented on the internet.  As an eternal optimist, I decided to try to make the best of a bad situation and use my gift for writing to chronicle my journey.  In so doing, I  hope that maybe I can open hearts and minds, and raise awareness of important issues related to incarceration and the criminal justice system.  I hope too that I can help others going through the same thing as me. Being labeled a felon can make you feel awfully alone, upset and confused. Knowing that you're not the only one out there can be of some comfort.  As I've already said, I also hope that maybe my writing will deter others from following in my footsteps. My experience?  It's not worth it.  Crime doesn't pay.

As I like to say, just because I did a bad thing doesn't mean I'm a bad person.  Unfortunately, we as a society are often too quick to categorize, placing people into baskets of good or bad, worthy or not worthy. I hope that I am able to bring some subtlety to the topic, to open a few eyes, and to further debate.

I'M GOING TO JAIL.  

There we go.  I said it again.  No turning back now.  

Welcome to My Relaunched Blog

Dear readers,

Welcome to my relaunched blog.  While I originally focused on writing for the aspiring writer, the twists and turns my life has recently taken convinced me that I have more to contribute by honestly discussing my criminal past and incarcerated future.  I will take you, my readers, along on this journey with me in the hope that you will never have to go where I am going or that, by reading about what I have done, you may live an honest life and avoid my fate.  

I have finally overcome the overpowering temptation to withdraw from the world, to hide in shame from what I have done.  Society automatically labels felons as bad, unworthy people. I used to agree.  But now that I find myself on the other side of the fence I realize that, though I may have done wrong, that does not, automatically, make me a bad, unworthy person. So I am now coming out, coming clean. 

I anxiously await all your comments, criticisms and contributions.  Blogging is a two-way street after all.  My ultimate goal is for this blog to serve as a forum for those facing prison time, those already serving time, and the families of defendants and felons.  It is a difficult process for all concerned when you or a loved one becomes a defendant in the criminal justice system or goes off to jail.  Regret, remorse, fear, separation, rejection, despair: these can be overpowering emotions. Please write.  I will consider guest posts and will make as many comments as possible available for public view.

You may be wondering about the name of my blog, Diary of a Wimpy Con.  The fact is, I'm a mild-mannered wimp, a regular, unassuming guy - hence the name of this blog.  While the prospect of prison terrifies me, it should be interesting for readers to follow my progress and learn how a meek, gullible guy manages to survive in prison. In my several remaining months of freedom I plan to post on my experiences with the criminal justice system, discuss my wrongdoing and delve into my thoughts and feelings during this difficult time. Once in prison, the focus will shift to my life behind bars.  

As you may know, prisons are still in the dark ages when it comes to technology. This project would not be possible without the help of a devoted family member who has graciously agreed to manage this site, post my missives and forward me comments.  I may continue to post on writing and the writing process but those posts, to avoid imposing on my family member's offer, will be less frequent. Those posts will be available on the blog under my pen name devoted to writing: elidahle.blogspot.com.  

I look forward to hearing from you. Please also provide your e-mail so that you can receive my posts as they occur.

Leigh