Top Ten Ways to Waste Time Before Prison

In an earlier post, I wrote about the top ten things to do before prison. The list contained such high-minded goals as making amends, taking a trip and planning ahead. While I'm on my way toward achieving some of those goals, the reality is that I spend big chunks of my day loafing around, surfing the internet, and doing what I can to reach my goal of 1000 Twitter followers before I self surrender. Really, this is all just a polite way of saying that I waste a whole lot of time. 

It's not that I'm lazy or unable to entertain myself. It's actually more complicated than that and I'm not sure I can properly explain myself. I suppose the main reason is that prior to this little detour, I enjoyed a busy, structured life, filled to bursting with work and family. Now that is all gone. It's also, and this is the more difficult issue to explain, related to my state of mind. I feel as if I'm biding my time, waiting for something to happen. This, I suppose, is understandable, since that is in fact what I am doing. 

With all that in mind, and because it's been a while since I wrote a top ten list, I decided to devote this post to the top ways to waste time before prison. I hope that others who find themselves in my position will find it a useful primer on how to spend their time. The list, more than I'd like to admit, is based upon my own newfound ingenuity when it comes to wasting time. Not only that, but the actual writing of the list also counts as wasting time (see item 10). 

1. Binge Watch.  The absolute best way to spend an enjoyable day doing absolutely nothing is to pick a television show that's already run for many seasons and watch from start to finish. I know. My own personal favorite for wasting time prior to prison is Sons of Anarchy. Not only are there five whole seasons - that's 40 full hours of loafing, the equivalent of an entire week at work - but you will learn more than you ever wanted to know about life in prison. The racial politics are particularly gripping. Please keep in mind that movies don't qualify because it's too much effort, when you're wasting time, to decide every two hours what to watch next.

2. Eat. I'm not a fan of fast food but every now and then I like a fix, or at least the option of having a fix if I so desire. Knowing that it will soon be gone makes me crave it even more. It's actually quite hard to imagine a life without McD's on every corner. Come to think of it, that might be one of the best things about prison. In any event, eating, when you're feeling low, triggers your dopamine receptors and temporarily lifts your spirits. Eating also helps you properly prepare for other ways to waste time. After all, it's no fun loafing on the couch (number 8 on the list) or wandering around (number 6) when you're hungry.

3. Sex. One of the best ways to waste time, or so I've heard from secondhand reports. I wish that I had more opportunities to test my thesis that having sex deserves a place on this list, although its inclusion is based on pretty solid hypotheses. Basically, I would compare it to fast food: a good orgasm will lift your dopamine just like a Big Mac. And also just like a Big Mac, soon enough you won't have it anymore (at least I hope you won't). So get your fill while you still have the chance. Unless you are trying to make a baby, it qualifies as wasting time. Nods to my cousin Ari, who likes it when I include pics of scantily-clad girls in my posts.

4. Social media. Soon Facebook and Twitter will all be gone. Some may imagine such an occurrence with desire and longing. But like food and sex, now's the time to get your fill. It's amazing how many hours you can pass randomly "friending" total strangers just to see who might accept. Using that subtle strategy I'm now almost at 1000 Twitter followers, including many fans of my favorite singer, Justin Bieber.

5. Drugs and alcohol. Due to past excesses, these items are not on my own personal list though I occasionally wish they were. What better way to pass the time, after all, than in a soft, narcotic cloud. When you're high, the hours pass by like minutes.

6. Wander around. This is the low-rent version of my suggestion in a previous post to take a road trip. Soon, wandering will not be such an available option. I spent half the day yesterday walking the streets of Los Angeles, one of the few people not in a car. My feet were sore by the end of my journey but it turned out to be a great way to waste time. I was going to add "driving" as a separate entry, but I suppose it can go here: wandering can be done by wheel, after all. Just be careful not to have an actual destination: if you're going somewhere in particular it's not technically wasting time.

7. Loaf on the couch. This is my favorite, so much so that there's a groove in the couch where my rear has found its place. Leave your big plans to get into wonderful shape for your days behind bars. My theory: why suffer before you really need to? Exercise, you may have noticed, is not anywhere to be found on this list. It is just too much effort to qualify as wasting time.

8. Shop. For some strange reason, in my wanderings about town I find myself sidling into every Target I pass. I don't buy anything, just walk up and down the aisles. And I don't even like to shop. But what better way to waste your time than by buying things you don't need and won't be able to bring with you to prison.

9. Sit at the library. Did you ever wonder who those people are who sit in the library in the middle of the day? Well, now's your chance not only to find out but to join them. Just be sure not to choose any high-minded reading materials. People and the The Enquirer will do nicely. Car magazines are ok too. If you go too highbrow and actually learn something, it no longer counts as wasting time.

10. Blog. Ok, I hope I don't offend my readers by including this item on the list. In part, it's because I found myself out of ideas but couldn't exactly stop the list at nine. But in all honesty, it's a wonderful way to kill an hour or two. And what better way to waste time than to spend hours writing things that no one will ever read.

And now, in time honored tradition, I will add one more item for good measure: sleep. This is such an obvious way to waste time that I almost forgot to include it. But, even more than having sex or getting high, it really is the best way to pass eight or ten hours in what truly seems like seconds. Naps in the afternoon are also recommended for those truly devoted to properly following this pre-prison plan.

Top Ten Mistakes Made by Criminal Defendants

The path from investigation to accusation to sentencing to incarceration is filled with minefields, any of which could derail your life and short-circuit your best laid arguments. Some of these minefields are unavoidable and happen to come with the territory. The prosecutor, the judge, the FBI: who you get is the luck of the draw and all will be trying, at various times, to trip you up. 

Other minefields, however, are well marked and entirely avoidable. Despite this, defendant after defendant stumbles onto them. I know I did. Being a "successful" criminal defendant is a tricky business. Your job, to the best of your ability, is to sit back and let others guide you, not to go charging in the vanguard across the field.

This passive stance is uncomfortable for many. Faced with the worst crisis of your life, you will most likely want to do something - anything - to further your interests. Your instincts will tell you to go on the offensive, to hit back, to get yourself, by hook or by crook, out of danger.  

Therein lies the trap, because in this case, your instincts are leading you down a dangerous path. It's like flying: unless you're a trained pilot, the best thing you can do is buckle your seatbelt and sit back. They don't call you a 'criminal defendant' for nothing: you are on the defense, not running across the field to the cheers of the crowd. The unfortunate fact is that all too often, "hook" and "crook" involve some form of lying or deceit.

I have exaggerated a bit, of course, to make my point. Not all defendants lie. But speaking from personal experience, you will almost certainly be tempted. And there are times when your active participation is absolutely vital. For example, it's your job to make sure the story - of your life, of your misdeeds - is properly and accurately told. And you have to be prepared to review every document, every filing, to ensure that it is correct. You will also take an active role in gathering letters of support from friends and family.

Unfortunately, proofreading, editing and requesting letters are not what come first to mind when you become a defendant in a criminal case.  I know, I've been there. And I've also, to my detriment (and embarrassment), made some of the very same mistakes listed below.

So here they are, the top ten mistakes made by criminal defendants (including me):

1. Lying, prevaricating and otherwise fudging the truth. Let's face it: many of us got to this place by some form of lying or deceit. I know I did. That doesn't mean we're bad people but it certainly does suggest that we made some serious mistakes in judgment. The temptation - and it will be strong - is to continue with the lies even after you come under the microscope. Please don't do that. Once you're the subject of a criminal investigation you're as good as guilty: with plea deals, the burden of proof is most definitely not on the prosecutors. They will catch you in your lies - that's their job and they're good at it. And your lies will hurt you. I guarantee it.  In my case, my initial reaction was to lie about everything. Luckily for me, my lawyer quickly caught on and told me to cut the crap. I listened, but even then I was tempted to tell little white lies to make the story of my actions more palatable. It's simple human nature to want to make bad deeds somehow seem less stupid than they really are. But as a criminal defendant it's time to turn over a new leaf, to rediscover your inner honesty. If you're going to open your mouth (see next mistake) then let the truth come out.

2. Blabbermouth. The fifth amendment protects us from incriminating ourselves, hence the 'right to remain silent'. Unfortunately, most defendants do the exact opposite: they blab.  They blab to their friends, they blab to their family, they blab on Facebook, they blab at the corner bar. Whether you're innocent or guilty, your first instinct will likely be to speak up and speak out: many defendants think that if they were only able to explain themselves they could somehow clear the whole mess up. But this right is granted for a reason: the vast majority of defendants do more harm than good when they open up their mouths. And the rule is not just for court: anything you say to anyone anywhere can be used against you. And will be. Messages sent to co-defendants, even if seemingly innocuous, can seal your fate. I violated the blab rule by writing a little too openly on my blog. Luckily, it didn't hurt me. But it very well could have. Prosecutors are expert in picking and choosing their facts to put words into your mouth that may never have actually been there.

3. Burying your head in the sand. When I learned that the prosecutors were after me I reacted like an ostrich. There must be some mistake, I thought. I broke the law in Russia, how could they be after me in the U.S.? I didn't hire a lawyer or prepare a defense. Rather, I closed my eyes, said a little prayer (and I'm agnostic!), and wished it all away. While those facts are specific to my case, the reaction is not. Bad news is hard to take. But failing to recognize and react to the bad news when it's slapping you in the face can hurt you down the road. For example, because I failed to acknowledge the news, I spoke with the prosecutor without a lawyer: a serious no-no. So open those eyes and gaze the bad news in the face: it may be hard but it will only help you.

4. Thinking Outside the Box. In some professions and some areas of life, creative problem solving is encouraged. Not in criminal law. The criminal process is a connect-the-dots, paint-by-numbers system based on rules and precedent designed to get you from Point A (suspect) to Point Z (convicted felon). Your creative ideas to make the whole thing go away will blow up in your face. Accept the reality, climb aboard the train, and do your best to keep it together as the system carries you down the tracks.

5. Avoidance and denial.  This is similar in some ways to item 3. But my point here is different. Many defendants, even those who are black-and-white guilty, loudly profess their innocence, not only during their proceedings but on into prison and beyond. Unless you truly are innocent - and there are of course those who are wrongly accused - you will only do yourself (and those around you) a disservice by denying the reality. Although at some level you may come to believe your protestations of innocence, deep down you will know it's all a lie. It is much more honorable to admit your mistake, do your best to make amends, and try to get on with your life. Not only is this a good "life lesson", but it will help you in your case: judges hear the guilty proclaim their innocence all day long. What they really appreciate are those who fess up to their misdeeds.

6. Procrastination. There were mornings when I could just not bear to look at my e-mails, knowing that there would be some bad news about me or my case amidst the spam. My inclination was to postpone the inevitable in an attempt to carry on. But the wheels of justice continue to turn whether or not you're on board. Your lawyer will be depending upon you to timely read and comment on her filings and prepare for court hearings. Postponing the inevitable until the last second will only result in a worse defense. Conversely, if it's your lawyer who procrastinates - and there are many out there who do, including mine - it is incumbent upon you to push them along and not leave everything until the night before your sentencing. The filings require too much research and revision to slap together at the last second.

7. Railing against the system. There will be times when you feel like a bunch of idiots are lined up against you. There will be times when you hate the dysfunctional criminal justice system. There will be times when self pity overcomes you, followed by disgust at the unfairness of it all. It may be natural to feel these things but it's not ok to show them. As hard as it is to admit, try to remember that it was  your own stupidity that got you to this place. The rule here is simple: show respect. Show it even if at the moment you're not really feeling it. Whatever you may be thinking inside, as a defendant it's not your position to change the system or point out its flaws. 

8. Breaking the rules. As a defendant and a prisoner, you will suddenly find yourself subject to new, intrusive rules: rules regarding home confinement, actions while on probation, who and who not you can speak with, where you can go. The rules may make you feel like you're back in preschool. While you may resent these rules, breaking them will, like Mickey's brooms in Fantasia, only make them multiply. Your job as a defendant is to demonstrate, at every possible moment, your willingness to cooperate and obey. Think of yourself as a cog in the system. As unpleasant as it may sound, that is what you are.

9. Running away. This is a broad mistake that covers everything from becoming a fugitive to arriving late at court. There will be times when you fantasize to yourself about living life in some small town under an assumed identity or alone on a desert island with no extradition treaty. Driving across the country, the thought crossed my mind about setting down stakes under a new identity in Winnemucca, Nevada. But do you really want to live as a fugitive for the rest of your life? Did I really so love Winnemucca? On the other end of the scale, the morning of your court appearance your feet may feel like lead, as if you're dragging yourself against your will to meet your doom. There is a very simple rule to follow: be there or be in big trouble. Show up, be on time and be presentable. The defendant who appeared before me at my pleading was ten minutes late to his hearing. Bad move: the judge gave him a harsher sentence as a result. No judge wants to hear how your car broke down or traffic was bad or that you really don't want to be there. He can be late - that's his prerogative. Not yours.

10. Second guessing. You will soon find, as you progress through the criminal justice system, that everyone considers himself an expert. Your friends will have ingenious ideas on how to 'get you off', your family will weigh in with advice. You, yourself, may wonder whether your lawyer is doing everything she should be doing to save your a@$. There is a fine line here: your lawyer, who presumably does this for a living, must take the lead. You can question her actions and decisions, propose alternatives, prod her to do more. You must absolutely insist that she keep you informed and explain to you her strategy and the purpose of her actions. But in the end you must be prepared to sit back and let her do her job. Although it may be hard, you must learn to trust this person who holds your fate in her hands. Constant second guessing will only hurt you in the long run. If you have doubts about your lawyer, there is really only one alternative: get a new one, someone you can trust. 

Top Ten Things to do Before Prison

One courtesy afforded many white-collar felons, including me, is that they are allowed to remain free while they await sentencing. The determination is made by the courts based on such factors as flight risk and danger to society. While it's tempting to postpone prison for as long as possible this courtesy is also a double-edged sword. 

Speaking from experience, the time is a terrible limbo, a no-man's land between your past normal life filled with work and family and friends and your new, and terrifying, life in prison.  Also, unlike jailed defendants, many of whom can credit this time toward their ultimate sentence, a white-collar felon's final days of freedom do nothing to reduce his sentence.  Most felons with whom I spoke have called this the worst period of the whole ordeal. Prison, I've been told, is almost a relief in comparison. 

Sitting at home brooding all day about what awaits you down the road is a recipe for disaster.  I know. I've done it. I'm embarrassed to admit that I've spent entire days staring at the clock, thinking about my misdeeds, waiting for bed. Do that and time, to put it mildly, tends to drag. And anxiety tends to mount. With nothing to do but worry, the waiting turns into obsession which turns into agitation. In the end you feel almost as if you were already in prison. 

I recently watched the second season of Iditiot Abroad on Netflix, where the protagonist, a stupid English homebody named Karl, embarks on various reluctant adventures under the rubric of places to visit before you die. I consider myself to be just as much an idiot as Karl to have, through my actions, found myself in my current situation. As a result, I decided to write this post, based on my own experiences, my own trial and error, on things to do before going to prison. 

The moral of this post, if there is one, is that it's much better to keep busy as you await your judgment day than to mope around the house wallowing in self pity.

Top Ten Things to Do Before Prison

1. Write, Write, Write. Whether you decide to go public in a blog like me, send e-mails or keep a private journal, writing can be surprisingly therapeutic. An added bonus is that it makes time pass much more quickly. It also helps to sort through feelings.  

2. Be There for Loved Ones. Life as we know it is about to change. Drastically. There are enough stresses with adjusting to prison without the added burden of leaving without a proper goodbye. Remember those around you and do your best to be there for them while you still can.

3. Get Your Affairs in Order. Errands that seem so simple as a free man - paying bills, writing checks, sending money, buying books - suddenly become complicated. So before prison you should settle debts, find people to manage your affairs. The goal is to leave as small of a mess behind us as possible. We've messed up enough already.

4. Take a Trip. Road trips are our ultimate symbol of freedom: the open road, the vast expanses. They can also be much less expensive than a regular vacation: gas, food, cheap motels.  The thought of taking a road trip has preoccupied me lately: to me it symbolizes a bridge between my past and my future. Before I go away to prison, I've decided, I want to traverse the open roads out West and see some of the sites of this huge country. Lucky for me, I'm in the Midwest but my sentencing is in California. Thus, the perfect excuse to hit the open road.

5. Plan Ahead for Prison. Once we are imprisoned we become helpless in certain ways, newly dependent, like an infant, on friends or family. I don't like to impose on people so the whole thought of relying on others for my basic needs is repugnant. In order to minimize the imposition, I put a lot of thought into what exactly I did need and narrowed it down to a three-point list. I then asked several lucky family members to help.  

• Money: the sad fact is that we need some money to survive in prison. To receive it, someone from the outside will have to send.
• Books: reading helps pass the time. We won't have access to Amazon, so develop a book list and make arrangements for someone to send a book or two a month
• Blog posts: I'm committed to spreading the word about my experience.  Without the internet, I needed someone to post for me.

6. Plan for Life After Prison.  Many white collar criminals - stockbrokers, traders, doctors, lawyers like me - lose their profession along with their freedom. Unless you are sentenced to life or intend never to work again, you will need to think of what to do next. This can be scary. It can be intimidating. It can seem impossible. In all honesty, it scares me shitless. But our most successful predecessors managed to once again become productive citizens. So can we.  It's never too early to start.

7. Make Amends/Admit your Mistakes. My first impulse was to deny what I did and shy away from the harm that I caused. It was tempting at first to blame others and to live in denial.  But only by admitting our mistakes to ourselves will we be able to transcend the bitterness and make amends. Many of us have hurt people as a result of our actions; we have left innocent victims and family members in our wake. One of the tenets of alcoholics in recovery is to make amends to those they have hurt. Us white collar criminals should use this time to do the same. 

8. Keep Visible. My first reaction, when all this started, was to hide under a rock and withdrawal from friends and family. I know I'm not alone. But though it may be tempting, this reaction is unproductive and harmful. By holding our heads high and carrying on with life we can transcend our circumstances. By tucking our tails between our legs and hiding away behind closed blinds, we will perpetuate the pain.

9. Keep a Sense of Humor. Studies show that through the act of smiling we can cheer ourselves up and cheer up others. Falling into depression doesn't help anybody. Make these last days of freedom as meaningful and as cheerful as possible. This will help both you and your family get through these difficult times.  

10. Persevere. Every life is filled at times with adversity. We survive by carrying on, soldiering forward. Our troubles may seem insurmountable, but in the fullness of time we will move beyond them. 

And, as usual, here's one more for good measure: 

Keep Perspective.  We are not being burned at the stake or locked away for life. Whatever our troubles, sickness and death is infinitely worse. The moral: it could always be worse.

Top Ten List: Why I was a Bad Criminal

The truth is, I was a bad criminal: sloppy, careless, greedy, sorely lacking in all the skills that make for a successful life of crime. I wasn't devious enough.  Nor was I cautious. I was also overcome by remorse and guilt soon after stealing the cash.  A good criminal must be hardhearted and welcome wrongdoing with open arms. He must think clearly and always stay one step ahead. I did what I did as if in a dream, stumbling and bumbling and making mistakes. While I can remember everything, when I look back it seems as if I'm watching another person. A stupid person.

The fact is, I have no one to blame buy myself for getting caught.  I would give credit where credit is due, but I was not caught through good police work or the oligarch's vigilance. I was caught because I screwed up, got greedy and tried to take more, even though more was the last thing I wanted or needed.

These thoughts nagged at me at first after my wrongdoing came to light.  I blamed myself for my stupidity, considered all the what if's.  Not any more.  Although I would gladly take back what I did, I'm actually glad, now that all is said and done, that I got caught. Getting caught helped me to turn my life around and live honestly once again. Getting caught helped me get sober. Getting caught made me realize how deluded I was. Getting caught helped me recognize my weaknesses and failings. Getting caught helped me realize what is important to me in life.

I did wrong and I have been more than ready for a long time to pay the consequences.  What I most regret is the pain I caused to people close to me.

So now, as these top ten lists have proved popular, I decided to come clean with my stupidities in this wholly factual but partially tongue-in-cheek list: 

Top Ten Reasons Why I Was a Bad Criminal

1. Incriminating evidence: I left piles of incriminating evidence in my office and at home under the bed, modern-day treasure maps, that led investigators straight to the buried treasure.  A good criminal destroys the evidence.

2. Sloppy Work: I did not compare forged signatures to the originals or try to make them look the same. I was lazy and sloppy and my forgeries look like shit.  The fact that I was high on pills at the time didn't exactly help. A good criminal is careful, sneaky, risk averse and sober - and takes the time to get the wrong things right.

3. Blabber mouth: I told people what I had done. A good criminal keeps his mouths shut.

4. Greed:  Not satisfied with my first theft, I went back to the very same place for more. Every good criminal knows you should never hit the same place twice.

5. Foggy Brain: My crime was fueled by my addiction and, though at the time I thought I was thinking clearly, looking back is like watching a bad scene from Cheech & Chong.  A good criminal thinks clearly and soberly in order to stay one step ahead. 

6. Transfers to the U.S.: my crime was committed entirely abroad.  The U.S. would not have had jurisdiction if I had not transferred a bunch of the money for no good reason through a bank in San Francisco. A good criminal knows the law and uses it to his advantage.

7. Lies upon lies: I continued to tell lies even after my scheme was discovered.  I should have come clean sooner and tried to lessen the harm.  The fact is, I wanted to - I felt tremendous guilt and remorse - but I was scared.  I was caught in April 2011 but only came clean after a suicide attempt and a resultant change of heart. A good criminal keeps his mouth shut - he doesn't lie or tell the truth.

8. Spending the loot: the cash burned a hole in my pocket and I spent it on stupid, frivolous things, like someone who had just won the lottery.  I should have saved it untouched and continued to live my regular life or, at the least, tried to assuage my guilt by doing some good with it.  A good criminal hides his new-found wealth.

9. Hubris: I convinced myself that the victim, the oligarch, if he ever found out, would shrug it off and leave me alone. That was not the case. A good criminal doesn't underestimate his adversary.

10. Delusion: Because I hated the oligarch, I convinced myself while committing the crime that I deserved what I took, that I was some sort of modern-day Robin Hood, that I was doing it all for my family. How wrong I was. A good criminal doesn't delude himself about the 'higher motives' of his crimes.

The Wimp's Top Ten List: Why I'm Scared of Prison

As I count down to that near day my freedom ends, I'm kept awake each night wondering and worrying about what awaits me on my new adventure.  The fears are amorphous and confused, like an explorer on the edge of the Amazon, afraid to take that first step.  As we all know, what we don't know is what really scares us.  And the fact is, I don't know enough about prison to know if I should be scared at all or what I should be scared of.  I scour the internet but even in this information age the facts are few and far between. 

Should I be scared of the bars and the wire?  Or unwanted attention in the shower?  Could the stereotypes be true?  Or do I have nothing more to fear than mushy peas in the commissary?  The fact is, I'm a quiet, mild-mannered guy.  I watched Orange is the New Black and came to the unwanted conclusion that there's no way in hell I could defend myself in the same way as Piper.  The facts: I've never even been in a fight, never hit anyone.  In fact, I can count the number of times on one hand that I actually broke down and yelled.  

Ok, I'll go ahead and admit it, the evidence is clear: I'm a wimp.

So to combat my wimpiness and turn my amorphous fears into the concrete, I decided to write this list of my greatest prison fears.  Please bear in mind that these are my most concrete fears, not the global issues that we all know and expect such as loss of freedom, loss of rights, separation from friends and family.  Those are all givens.  I know of them and can try at least to prepare for them.  What scares me are the stereotypes, the tall tales, the day-to-day aspects of life as a prisoner that I can only imagine.

I hope that some day, when I'm released back into freedom, that these fears will seem stupid and overblown.  But what I'm scared of is that I'll look back and see that they were justified.  I guess only time will tell.

The Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Scared of Prison

1. Big tough guys who will beat me up, take my pie and make me grovel

2. Dropping my soap in the shower

3. Ignorant prison guards with eighth-grade educations and billy clubs

4. Inadvertently touching an electric fence or pricking my finger on barbed wire

5. Breaking a rule I didn't know about and being sent to solitary

6. Being awakened by a siren

7. Dirty bathrooms last cleaned during the Nixon administration

8. Unidentifiable, worm-filled slop in the chow hall.  Mushy peas.

9. Getting beat up for changing the television channel

10. Being placed on the warden's shit list

Oh, now I realize that I have one more:

11.  Loving prison so much that I become a career criminal, an incorrigible recidivist.

There, now we have it.  My greatest fears of prison.  Maybe now I'll be able to sleep tonight.